Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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