Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He's on the porch naked. Help.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
