At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
