i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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