If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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