i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
