Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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