and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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