And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
