I accidentally burped into my bong.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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