I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
time to smoke my breakfast
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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