I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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