Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
