I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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