i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
