...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
