Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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