Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize