Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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