There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Come share oat with me in your robe
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Randomize
