he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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