I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
