My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
