; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
