I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
