i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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