1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Do you still have your period?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
