That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
