So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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