Sorry, I don't speak sober.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
