Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
