Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
