he wants to bone in the snuggie
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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