Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
the night ended with taco bell and tears
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
