theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
