hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize
