She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
