Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
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