Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
