I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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