i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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