I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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