Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
she told me i tasted like america
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
