I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
