I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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