my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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