i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
