thus making me awesome and them whores
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
