I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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