now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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