Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
