then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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