"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
only if we run a train.
done.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
