he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize