You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
