youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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