I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
