When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
