she looked like the before picture.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Randomize
