Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
