He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
