shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
