Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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