I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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